The crowd is hush.

On one side of the House sits the Democrats, their black-gloved fists held high in the air and their heads down in protest. Many even sport bandanas blindfolding them, driving their protest home for the fools and idiots watching on CNN and CNBC. Two Democrats whisper as they get into a slapping match, both cowering in fear as Senator Ted Kennedy barrels into them, knocking them both to the floor. Senator John Kerry sits among the other Democrats, reading a Latin instruction book and drinking Vermouth.

On the other side, a few dozen Republicans shoulder their M-16s, flip them, and present. The weapons glisten as NRA Chairman Charleston Heston inspects the Junior Senators in the back, correcting posture and whispering threats that would kill lesser men. In one corner, the glass coffin holding the preserved corpse of Orrin Hatch stands. In another, a shadowy man in a large hat, Jack Abramoff, lights a cigarette. He puts down his suitcase, right next to the waiting Senator John McCain. Abramoff and McCain share a nod.

Vice President Dick Cheney takes off his hunting cap, puts down his rifle, and stands at his podium. “Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.”

The doors open, and the mob crushes around it. The President’s security team clears the way. The President emerges, wearing his favorite fedora. He walks forward, along the aisle. Nobody can touch him.

Senator Hillary Clinton bumps fists with Senator Barrack Obama and turn away from the podium, their hands grasped together in the air. McCain and Senator Joe Lieberman stand and salute the man as he passes.

President George W Bush smiles, generously, taking off the hat. He stands at the podium, his features flush and healthy, beaming. His face conceals all the secrets we want to know, but he gives away nothing. He begins:

“My fellow Americans. Tonight, I address you with a heavy heart. Since our invasion of Iraq and subsequent planning went so well, I have come here to announce that American soldiers are at this minute beginning a full-forced invasion of Iran. The kingdom of Iran has for too long stood for oppression and hatred against America. Today, that ends. They’re going down.”

The Republicans let loose a hail of gunfire into the air. The smoke clears as the tiny particles fall from above, the groans of a weak and ancient ceiling. Kennedy flips off the President, who ignores the whole ruckus. Kerry looks up from his studying, stuttering through “Give… peace… a chance…” He falls asleep, bored by his own excessive chatter.

Bush continues. “But we’ve got to think beyond Iran. Now that we have the Iraqi oilfields safely under our control, we can pump a little more money into this country.” A few loud boos echo from the back of the House. “No, I hear you,” says the Master, reassuringly. “I’m giving that money back to this country. I’m eliminating taxes entirely. No more taxes, ever!”

The House erupts. “Never!” “Finally!” “Wait, how do I pay for my golf trips?”

“Veto this!” Out of nowhere, Representative Nancy Pelosi grabs Cheney’s gavel and slams it down on the President’s head.

“Oh, doh,” he retorts, eloquently. His eyes go up into the back of his head, and he collapses onto the floor.

A hail of gunfire from the Junior Republicans fly past Pelosi as she dives to the Congress floor, hoping for protection. The coward Democrats all run from their leader, and a few of their heads fall off as they squawk like chickens.

Suddenly, flames leap from the giant flag hanging behind the fallen President. At its base, John Edwards laughs maniacally as he holds up a lighter. Cheney grabs his shotgun, utters a few choice words for mixed company, and shoots Edwards twice in the chest. Seeing this, Kerry raises his hand, as if to say something, but nothing comes out.

The flames on the flag grow higher as the Junior Republicans begin to fire into the ceiling again, pouncing on top of their Democratic rivals and rubbing their faces into the floor.

A giant crack is heard. The burning flag falls to the ground, knocking Cheney on the head. The main door bursts open… The Swiss military marches in, with halberds and full armor.

The Swiss Captain steps forward and stabs the fleeing Abramoff through the stomach with a sword. “I claim this land, in the name of the glorious Republic of Switzerland!”

A large piece of the ceiling falls to the ground, right next to the ailing Abramoff. The sun pierces through, hitting the former lobbyist. He turns to dust in the Swiss Captain’s arms.

The entire ceiling falls on Congress, the Senate, the Representatives, the President, and the Swiss, burying them for all time and eternity.

I wake up. What a good dream.

Yesterday, news broke around the world that China had incinerated one of its commercial satellites with a medium range missile at an altitude no higher than 600 miles off the surface of the earth. While one would think this is something the US government should be concerned with, in actuality it was Aviation Week and Space Technology Magazine that broke the story. Apparently, someone’s been beta-testing Google Space.

Formal complaints were quickly lobbed forth from the most popular political bureaucracies around the globe. All the big ones checked in – the US, Britain, Japan, South Korea… No word from Iran yet but their press secretary has me on hold. The US complaint was particularly devastating for its argument that such a test could be construed as “inconsistent” with the spirit of cooperation inherent to the space arena. Despite that fiery rhetoric, it’s at least better than “we couldn’t, so you shouldn’t.”

When asked for comment on the test, the Chinese government declined.

Both the US and the USSR had previously experimented with such space defense systems in the 1980s. Their respective tests failed because too much debris was left behind in the atmosphere from the destroyed satellite. Of course, did they ever try attaching a nuclear warhead to one of these test missiles? Here in the US, we prefer not to fail at things, especially blowing up things. That’s something we’ve got down. It’s actually a little embarrassing how good we are. Someone get President Bush on the phone.

The Bush administration recently announced that it wants to bring the same freedom to the stars that it brought to the skies. The worry, however, is that this recent test indicates a move by the Chinese military to suppress such freedom. The world has noticed a concerted effort on the part of the Chinese to expand its military capabilities since 1999. What Bush may not have realized, and this could be because he doesn’t have Karl Rove at his side these days, is that the militarization of space means funding bills that cannot be defeated in congress and cannot be vetoed. Plus, we slip in a few riders about additional tanks, armor for the soldiers, and reinstituting the draft.

When asked for comment on the military buildup, the Chinese government declined.

Anonymous sources in US intelligence were happy to talk, indicating that the Chinese space technology is still a decade behind the most advanced in the world, which is of course a decade behind the people who put a spacecraft on the moon. Tellingly, the Chinese used a “terminally guided maneuverable missile,” which at this point is old hat, since most of our missiles no longer have that messy terminal quality about them. We call it “stockpiling.”

The major concern of US citizens is the prospect of interrupted service in a variety of sectors that rely on satellites, such as ATMs, cellular phones, and satellite television. These problems, while worrying at first glance, are minor upon reflection: most of us are so in debt we avoid the ATM as a rule, and I figure the majority of us would hardly notice the difference in our cellphone’s reception. Still, we do have to be careful; a national crisis could ensue if we were unable to watch and vote for the next American Idol.

When asked for comment on this danger, satellite providers declined but referred questions to their PR department, the Pentagon.