On Tuesday morning, at approximately 11:42 am, Southern California was hit by a sustained earthquake that government officials proclaimed a 5.4 on the Richter scale. Immediately following the quake, the mainstream media across the country held its breath, hoping for LA’s demise. Headlines popped up on CNN, MSNBC, and FOX News, declaring “The End of Los Angeles,” “The Big One is Finally Here,” and “God Smites The Devil-worshipers.”

Felt as far away as Las Vegas and San Diego, the earthquake’s epicenter was around Chino Hills, about 30 miles east of Downtown Los Angeles. While media coverage quickly announced a major earthquake had hit California, very little damage has been actually reported, with absolutely no fatalities.

“We’re shocked, really,” says Mitch Dunning, head newswriter for CNN Online. “We thought we were going to have a real story on our hands. I mean, finally, the earthquake to end all earthquakes has hit Los Angeles. Millions should be dead. People should be at least fleeing on the streets in terror. Where’s the looting? The violence? The horror?”

Shaking his head, Dunning added, “Honestly, we’re all pretty disappointed. New Orleans gets all the luck.”

When details first began trickling in about the quake, CNN interrupted its coverage of a squash match between Vladimir Putin and indicted war criminal Omar Bashir. The network spent the next seven hours replaying a four second clip of the infamous 1994 Northridge Earthquake, under the lead: “Hollywood’s Deserved End?”

CNN and MSNBC have both promised round the clock coverage of the quake, especially now that it has ended and won’t be returning. They have also set up a hotline for any residents to please call to report any injuries, no matter how minor.

“Hangnails and up, that’s all we’re asking,” says Rick Mountainstorm, show producer at NBC’s local affiliate. “And if you have any good video footage of people freaking out during the quake, or even footage afterward of people crying, or you know, of a dog on a skateboard, sent it to us. We’re grasping at straws here.”

Many Southern California residents took a rather light approach to the whole ordeal. Most, since the quake occurred during working hours, took the chance to mock old ideas of earthquake preparedness. Workers hid under their laptops and cardboard boxes, laughed it up while mocking old brick buildings for not falling, and generally went on with their regular lives.

Dean Eckhart, an investment banker, said he and his friends made the most of the opportunity. “We knew that the earthquake meant no work for at least an hour or two, so we went to the hotel bar down the street and started tossing back martinis. It was awesome.”

After drunkenly hiding under the table in mock fear, Eckhart and his friends departed the bar, tanked and declaring, “Now that we’ve made fun of old traditions of safety, we’re going to go piss on bibles and the Constitution, if we can find some. Oh, and I would like to make a shout out to God. Thank you for leaving us alive. We look forward to trampling on the morals and cultural values of the rest of the country for many years to come.”

If you’re reading this, you are probably not one of the 300,000 Sudanese people butchered, raped, and killed in Darfur. You should celebrate. Then again, you’re also probably not Omar Bashir, the President of Sudan (and all around Ladies’ Man), whom the the International Criminal Court (ICC) recently indicted on charges of genocide.

Now, if you were Bashir, the obvious next step would be to take the country by storm, show off your charm, and change your image from “Ruthless Tyrant with a Silly Hat” to “Beloved Snuggle-puss.”

Bashir has embarked on a three-city tour of Darfur, bringing his message of personally motivated pandering to the most receptive of crowds – mandatory ones. At these rallies, he preens and dances for the crowd, swaying his hips and working up a sweat, much to their disinterest.

Said one attendee, who asked not to be named in fear of brutal reprisal against himself and his family, “His dancing was sub-par. His moves were mid-90s at best. He looked like my grandmother up there, all starving and too feeble to move gracefully.”

Agnes Miller of Alvin Ailey, the prestigious New York dance academy, weighed in: “His rhythm is abysmal, but on the bright side, he does have good turn-out.” The Village Voice was less kind, declaring Bashir’s performance “akin to skinning a live goat with your bare hands. Or, you know, living in Darfur.”

While the sudden tour may sway some public opinion, possibly on the North Pole, it is highly unlikely an arrest warrant will actually be issued for Bashir. According to undisclosed sources in the Hague, the UN is still looking to call off the witch-hunt in the interest of peace and, in the words of a UN official, “cut the guy some slack.”

“The guy’s been under a lot of pressure lately. I mean, maybe if he’d reached that big ‘one million’ number, this would be a serious investigation,” said the UN official, who asked not to be named in exchange for a cold turkey sandwich. “Yes, he threatened to declare a jihad on the international peacekeepers and turn Darfur into a graveyard of blue helmets, but in the grand scheme of things, who hasn’t threatened the UN in such a demeaning way?”

Added the official, “Putin is constantly threatening to cut off our balls. He even does the little thrust-and-snip motion at meetings. It’s very disconcerting. Kind of like Jessie Jackson and Barack Obama, but Putin’s actually done it before. He keeps a jar of them on his desk.”

FADE IN:

BAM! THE LOGO FOR “EXTREME MAKEOVER” APPEARS ON SCREEN, THEN THE SUBTITLE: “RENDITION EDITION”

EXT. HOUSE – DAY

Our host, Shifty McFly, 30s, stylish, clearly gaying it up for the camera, stands in front of: A REGULAR HOUSE. White picket fence. Lawn. Windows. Everything he says is happy, and super excited!

SHIFTY MCFLY
And welcome back, everyone. Tonight on Extreme Makeover: Rendition Edition, we’re in an ordinary Muslim neighborhood, where we’re going to make the dreams come true for one great Muslim family! By the time we’re done, they’re going to have the pimpest, flyest, most-extreme torture chamber for rendered American captives in the whole Middle East! Now, let’s meet our family!

CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

Shifty McFly bursts through the front door, and LIKE TOTALLY surprises the Family, made up of AHMED the father, 40s, SAHID the clearly gay son, 20s, the DAUGHTER, 20s, who doesn’t get a name, and the MOTHER in a burka who hides in a corner.
Shifty HUGS each and every one of them really enthusiastically.

SHIFTY MCFLY (V.O.)
As we all know, Muslim extremists are a great moral threat to American national security but they’re totally cool with torturing people, so let’s meet our lucky family!
Shifty’s assistant ALEX, 20s, Hollywood actor-type, distributes a thin booklet to all the family.

ALEX
Hi, I’m Alex, and these are your Department of Defense-approved Guidelines for Torture.

Ahmed flips through his. All the pages are blank.

AHMED
Sweet.

Shifty speaks with the Daughter.

SHIFTY MCFLY
Now, I don’t have a complex understanding of the enemy, so I’m gonna assume you want to kill the Infidel American because you’re Muslim.
The daughter shakes her head. Mortified. Passionately:

DAUGHTER
No, no, that’s all wrong. No where in the Koran does it encourage the violence perpetuated…

Shifty cuts her off and moves past down the hall.

SHIFTY MCFLY
That’s hilarious! She’s gonna be a comedian someday, just like Janeane Garofalo… HEY!

He waves at the MOTHER, who shrieks and runs away.

SHIFTY MCFLY
Cute. She doesn’t have civil rights. And she’s not gonna get ‘em. We need oil. Hahahaha!

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT – MOMENTS LATER

The camera goes down some stairs into a basement.

SHIFTY MCFLY (V.O.)
Now, let’s check out their potential torture chamber.

Ahmed and Shifty look around. The place is bright, airy, pleasant even. They inspect the bench and tub where prisoners will be waterboarded.

SHIFTY MCFLY
This is pathetic, dude.

AHMED
I know. Very, very sad. We just don’t have the money to keep our torture chamber up to par.

A tear comes to Ahmed’s eyes. He and Shifty embrace. A warm moment.

SHIFTY MCFLY
Don’t worry, big fella. We’re gonna make it right.

Shifty runs around the room, pointing and gesticulating.

SHIFTY MCFLY
We’re gonna make this place sing… It’s gonna be incredible. First you need some dank and darkness. We’ll get some iron hooks on the walls, bar up the windows, put the Iron Maiden in this corner, the rack in here, the boiling oil over here. Ever heard of Chinese water torture? It’s awesome. We’ll even decorate with a few bamboo plants here are there.

AHMED
Bamboo?

SHIFTY MCFLY
Yeah! Bamboo’s great. It grows so fast that you can tie someone up in a chair and have the bamboo plant actually grow right through them! It’s awesome and it’ll totally give the place some color.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Shifty runs out the door, enthusing.

SHIFTY MCFLY
Okay. We’ve got our workers here to come help… Say hello to our audience back home!
He confronts the LABORERS. They are clearly Mexican day laborers and illegal immigrants. They cover their faces from the camera.

IMMIGRANT WORKERS
No, no, no quiero…

SHIFTY MCFLY
Hey, isn’t it great? These guys are everywhere! Is there a Home Depot Tehran or something?

The workers shrug.

IMMIGRANT WORKERS
Que?

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE – LATER

Shifty moves down the hallway and speaks to the camera.

SHIFTY MCFLY
While certain international treaties prevent me from revealing our exact location, we can give you a hint: there are no gay people here!

A hallway door opens, and Sahid is making out with Alex. Shifty doesn’t even flinch.

SHIFTY MCFLY
They’re just fasting. For man meat.

ALEX
Aren’t we in Iran?

SHIFTY MCFLY
My lips are sealed. Unlike that guy’s. Oh yeah.

SAHID
But I like man meat.

SHIFTY MCFLY
(matter of fact)
No, you don’t. You don’t exist in this country. You’re like dragons.

CUT TO:
EXT. HOUSE – LATER

Shifty addresses the camera with the family behind him.

SHIFTY MCFLY
Now don’t go anywhere! We’re gonna be right back with Extreme Makeover: Rendition Edition! We’re gonna see a total makeover of this torture pit and it’s gonna be totally rockin’!

A LOGO SLAMS ONSCREEN for Extreme Makeover: Rendition Edition appears on screen!

FADE TO BLACK.

My thoughts are quite mixed. On the one hand, I’ll defend their putting that image on the cover of a major magazine to death. First Amendment, and bloody hell, it is just a cartoon. People shouldn’t take it so seriously. The problem with the image, and the media’s frenzied reaction, was that the people criticizing the cover kept on talking about all these regular folks (aka dimwits) who might just not get that this was satire. The pretentiousness of this assumption is very off-putting. The people who read the New Yorker, yeah, they get it’s a work of satire, lampooning all the attacks made on Obama’s character. So do, probably, many people off the streets who do NOT subscribe to the New Yorker. Yeah, we’re a dumb country, but I refuse to believe individual people (who aren’t good enough to read the New Yorker and therefore idiots) would believe the lies printed on that cover as gospel truth, a point that once again shouts into my tiny brain, “It’s not a big deal.”

Is it tasteless? No, no, it leaves a pretty nice taste in the mouth. The taste of, “wow, this image has balls.” Is it offensive? Hardly. Is it a major media moment? It is for the New Yorker, whose editorial board is all screaming, “w00t! relevancy!” in their best Harvard-based monotones.

On the other hand, my main criticism of the cover comes in looking at it as satire (and this is purely unimportant criticism, because it’s intellectual rather than political). Satire doesn’t have to be funny. So, you can’t attack it for being unfunny. Check out plenty of editorial cartoons (cartoon is a misnomer here) and you’ll see many that make clever statements using contrasting images. They’re trying to illuminate some point, if they’re good, and not necessarily make you, um, LOL. I do feel, however, this was a half-baked joke. The concept is, “Let’s show all the lies that have spread about the Obamas in their fullest form.” Okay, good start. But what’s the punchline (or the point)? That these lies are ridiculous? That’s not necessarily what this image says. It simply presents the lies “as is” without comment. There’s no perspective. The reader infuses the image with his/her own reaction. It would be like putting John McCain on the cover, and picturing him with a walker, an AK-47 to the head of Ahmadinejad, rolling around on a pile of his wife’s money, with his former wife (disabled) despairing in a wheel-chair behind him. Oh, and throw in his black “bastard” child, with the BLACK WOMAN that he allegedly father this child with. Make her a crackhead, too. Or, for more pure entertainment, McCain sucking on George Bush’s teat.

Is that satire? Eh, I think it’s undercooked. Satire needs a straight man, or a perspective of reason, to make the point of the image clear. For me, for this image to work, they needed a punchline. And the most obvious, and kinda funny one, that I could think of was putting this image of the Obamas in a dream bubble coming from Rush Limbaugh’s head as he sleeps in front of his radio console. There’s bound to be a better way of putting us into the image, without spelling it out as I just did. Smarter men and women than I could do better than this.

On Friday, February 16, 2008, two former slaughterhouse workers were formally charged with abusing ailing cattle. The two men, Daniel Navarro and Luis Sanchez, failed to appear for their arraignment and bench warrants were issued for their arrest.

The charges were brought after an undercover video surfaced, shot by the Humane Society, showing workers kicking, shocking, and abusing the so-called “downer” animals. “Downer” animals are defined as animals that are too sick or injured to walk to the slaughterhouse. These depressed animals are too easy to catch and kill, and therefore less tasty – blind taste tests have repeatedly shown that the meat-bag is much better suited to consumption if it has enjoyed an invigorating chase through the forest. The US has a ban on using “downer” animals for human consumption.

“The facts of this case are horrendous,” said Michael Ramos, the San Bernardino County District Attorney who brought the charges against the men. “Animals this sad and depressed are simply in no state to be eaten. Imagine if they actually knew what was happening to them right before we ate them? They would taste horrible!”

The slaughterhouse, located in Chino, a city popularized by the Fox TV show The OC but for some reason not yet gentrified, is owned and operated by Westland/Hallmark Meat Co., a wholly owned subsidiary of Hallmark Cards, Inc., which supplies the meat to the federal school lunch program and a number of major hamburger restaurants.

The cow, for a number of reasons, is one of the most popular types of meat for human consumption in the United States. Many cite the fact that, when separated from her young, a female cow will call to her child for days. Others cite that scientists have proven cows have the mental capabilities to nurture friendships and form small groups of friends. Or, even better, that cows are capable of experiencing strong emotions such as pain, fear, and anxiety. These qualities, which scientists often refer to as the “flavorings” of the cow, make eating beef highly pleasurable for humans.

According to the Humane Society, approximately 35 million cattle are raised in the United States for beef each year. The normal experience for a cow usually goes like this: Most cows are castrated, de-horned, and branded without any form of anesthesia. This treatment is considered normal, and provides for a juicier, more tender beef patty, when all is said and done. Better, nothing is said, and it’s all done. Well done.

Eventually, these cows end up in a slaughterhouse, a name derived from its inventor, John D. Slaughterhouse, a convenient alignment of the stars. The cattle are chased dramatically to the Kill Floor, where individual cows are put in Slaughter Boxes. These names, once again, are derived from their designers, Erik I. Kill and George W. Slaughter. Once inside, a rigorous blow to the head surprises each individual cow, killing them practically instantly. Practically, because they don’t live for very much longer after that. Which means they’re practically dead. Frequently, the cows murmur with their last words, “Whew, didn’t see that coming!”

This surprise is essential to maintaining the high quality of beef in the United States Food Supply. Presumably, downer cows have discovered that the humans have not brought the cows to the slaughterhouse for tea and biscuits, and are therefore engaging in a strike. This sort of anti-violent, anti-social behavior can severely affect the emotional stability of the other cows, ruining the lot of them for delicious hamburgery.

Some cows also had water forced down their throat, not unlike the practice of waterboarding, which has been deemed not torture for humans by the State Department, but is considered a little too cruel to cows, since the cows don’t actually know any secrets.

All this suggests that we as Americans are profoundly unaware of what we do and say. If we were, scientists surmise our heads would explode from the backlogged irony.

Metal Storm Limited, a multi-national defense technology company, has announced the first shipment of its computer-controlled weapon system, the Talon UGV, or unmanned ground vehicle, to the United States Naval Surface Warfare Center.

The 40mm electronic weapon system will deliver an astounding 1 million rounds per minute, and will include a number of impressive new features, accelerating the industry’s movement toward a more mechanized standard of fighting modern war.

“We’re extremely excited to be showing off the new Talon UGV,” says Metal Storm CEO Lee Finniear. “The public has been virtually crying out over some of this new stuff. Features like auto-focus, auto-kill, and our new baby, Freeze Frame, which uses a high-density lens from Canon to capture the targets hit by every single shot in a precise 15 megapixels.”

He downplayed criticisms of Talon’s recently released Auto-Fire component. “It looks good in tests, but we need a little work on identifying targets correctly. Apparently, some non-enemy-combatants wear turbans.”

The real selling point, however, is the Talon’s 1 million RPM, or rounds per minute. But, it’s important to remember that’s the rate, not the volume.

“We’ve found through significant amounts of government-funded research that at 30,000 rounds per minute, we still could identify our targets after impact,” gushes the happy CEO. “We simply found that frequently, the lives of our targets had time to flash before their eyes before death, and that simply was unacceptable. That’s why we’ve brought out the Insta-Kill Rate. Oh, yeah, Insta-Kill, that’s the nickname we gave it back at the Ranch.”

With international conflicts brewing in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Iran, the US military knew it needed the technological edge over its opponents. That’s why it invested in machines of war like the new Talon.

“Most of our opponents are using weaponry that dates back to the Cold War and occasionally the Stone Age, quite literally, when they throw rocks at us,” says Supreme Navy Commander Alexander Mihm III, “so it makes a huge difference for us to have such advanced weapons systems. Killing them just got easier.”

Metal Storm considers the Navy’s investment in unmanned vehicles to be a crucial step forward for America’s military.

“This is what’s wrong with America: we’re fighting our wars with actual living, breathing men, and it’s one of the major unreported problems with the War in Iraq,” laments Finniear. “Men are inherently soft and pretty tissuey. That’s not something we can fix with carbon-fiber body armor.”

“We don’t think of ourselves strictly as policy makers, but Metal Storm does believe that the military industrial complex is a necessary part of our country moving forward, especially with the coming robot wars.”

When asked for further details, Finniear declined to comment.

A hero is dead. Put the flags at half-mast. During his time on the national stage, he surprised us by coming out of nowhere to win by a huge margin; he earned our respect with his grace and style; and he made us believe when he ran again. Then, he made us face tragedy when he fell; and when he could not go on any more, his struggle made us all stronger. Thank you, Barbaro. Our nations mourns.

Put down today by euthanasia, the horse that captured the country’s spirit and imagination has gone on to greener pastures. His six-and-a-half length victory at the Kentucky Derby lives vividly on in our minds, as does the images of his freak accident in the opening moments of the Preakness.

Over the past nine painful months, Barbaro has struggled to overcome the shattered right hind leg that would have killed a normal horse. Many complications arose, with the worst being when he developed a deep hoof abscess in that same leg. Unfortunately, Barbaro’s HMO, Kaiser Permanente, did not and still does not cover deep foot abscesses, casting the spotlight on a number of pressing medical issues facing this country.

From the beginning, Barbaro’s owners Gretchen and Roy Jackson spoke out in favor of socialized medical coverage for all privately-owned racing horses. This would help share the burden across all of society of keeping a prize animal like Barbaro in the luxury life to which he had become accustomed. The argument goes, as many bandwagon politicians put it, that everyone benefits from healthy and happy horses running in daily races for major gambling syndicates. If everyone benefits from the healthy horses, then why shouldn’t everyone help pay for it?

With Barbaro making little progress over the last few months, a second hot-button issue came to the nation’s attention: legalized euthanasia. With the country divided on the issue, Barbaro’s owners argued that he was in pain and it was unlikely for that pain to go away. He might survive the deep hoof abscess but the rest of his life would be miserable. Barbaro’s own thoughts on the issue were unknown, but when members of Congress discovered the Jacksons’ plan to put Barbaro down, they organized a candlelight vigil at the capitol. Congress even considered intervening in an official capacity.

While a number of protestors gathered outside the medical facility, Alex Solis, a jockey, probably said it best, expressing the nation’s deep frustration and sorrow: “It is very sad because he fought so hard for his life for so long… I’m sure a lot of people had tried to do the best for this horse, but sometimes they’re going to be in such pain. It’s unfortunate.”

Yet, even with Barbaro’s passing, the issues raised by his life will not go away. Beyond the medical issues facing this country, we must also come to grips with the fact that the media has finally shown its hand. There is no liberal or conservative bias; no, it is the inveterate gamblers and ten-year old girls who are in control, both groups desperate for the latest ounce of information about their favorite pony.

For evidence of this, look no further than network television. Since the Preakness, Fox Broadcasting has been developing a reality show based on Barbaro’s prolonged recovery. Instead, with the 4-year old colt’s death, that footage will be repurposed and worked into the sweeps episodes for House, MD.

In other news, a suicide bomb went off in Israel, killing three; Ari Fleischer contradicted I. Lewis Libby Jr. in the Valerie Plame Case; and Iran announced its plans for deeper economic and political involvement in Iraq.

In his State of the Union speech on Tuesday night, President Bush spoke of four people he believes are prime examples of what a true American patriot looks like. He spoke glowingly of former NBA star Dikembe Mutombo; Julie Aigner-Clark, founder of Baby Einstein; Weslie Autrey, the recent hero of the New York subway system; and, of course, a decorated marine, Tommy Rieman. Each of these people exhibited qualities the President found to be truly exemplary. A number of people, however, were cut from the original draft, for a variety reasons.

Carl Ristau lived a simple life as a carpenter in Freedom, Massachusetts, for the last forty years. But his true passion is painting. He has heroically been painting American Flags on canvasses he bought at a local mom-and-pop art store for over three decades now. He paints American flags and only American flags. He paints them in full bloom, with the wind billowing through the flag, and also hanging still, on the stillest American day. Occasionally, he will also paint an eagle standing on top of the flagpole. Or he has, once in a blue moon, stretched his artistic legs and painted Mount Rushmore in the background behind the flag. During the summer, he usually manages to knock out one or two baseball-themed flag paintings and at least one commemorating Independence Day, with fireworks exploding all around the flag. Additionally, he has painted a special American flag painting for every sitting President for the last twenty-five years, artfully mingling a semi-transparent President over the traditional flag. When President Bush finally received his in the mail this last year, the President called up Carl and asked him to come down to the White House for a beer and an afternoon chat. He liked chatting with the guy. Carl was sensible, smart, and patriotic, and the President liked what he was doing for this country. Unfortunately, during a routine background check, it turned out that Carl had not been paying taxes on all the paintings he sold. Worse yet, once the Justice Department got wind of the case, they charged him with copyright infringement. Apparently, Carl had been using the image of the American flag, a protected copyrighted image, for profit and that was against the law. Carl was recently sentenced to 42 years in jail for tax evasion and copyright infringement. Bush, however, kept the painting and sent Carl ten dollars as payment.

John G. Butterworth served two tours of duty in Iraq. He fought alongside the 101st Airborne Division in its initial strikes on Baghdad. In his second tour of duty, Butterworth walked the streets of the city, patrolling as a member of Task Force Baghdad. After returning to the United States, Butterworth started a small business in his hometown of Peoria, Illinois, selling individual body armor to soldiers overseas. The armor was designed and built by Butterworth, constructed out of raw materials that he found at his local Home Depot. Soldiers in Iraq spread the word using blogs and internal newsletters and eventually Butterworth had more sales than he could handle. He rented a small warehouse, where he hired a number of manual laborers he also found at Home Depot. He put them to work building the body armor and raised production by 4000%. By running his assembly line 24 hours a day with the help of these laborers, Butterworth managed to bring production up to demand. By the summer of 2006, Butterworth’s Armor For Freedom Inc. was worth over $5 million and was providing body armor for soldiers in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Chechnya. The company came to President Bush’s attention when a member of the State Department compiled a report on the body armor situation in Iraq. The President called up Butterworth personally and thanked him both for his service as a soldier and for stimulating the economy. After the President instructed his speechwriters to include Butterworth in the State of the Union, it was discovered that PBS was planning on airing a television program on the “home-brew” options soldiers turned to for armor while in the field. The program, however, insinuated that this made the State Department, the military, and the President himself look bad, implying that the United States, in all its wealth, could not armor its own soldiers. Butterworth was promptly dropped from the speech and charges of illegal interstate commerce have been brought up against him.

Hiro Nakamura came to the nation’s attention in late 2006, emerging as a classic example of an American hero with a number of staggering feats under his belt. While on the road in the Midwest, Nakamura came upon a major car crash. With his wits about him, Nakamura managed to pull DL Hawkins, DL’s son Micah, and another passenger to safety, right before the cars exploded in a ball of fire. While other heroic acts have been noted, the President was most impressed by Nakamura’s ability to slow time to a halt and teleport himself around the world. While initially including Nakamura in his speech, the President chose to cut this particular American hero when it was brought to his attention that Hiro Nakamura was actually Japanese and, additionally, a fictional character on a television show the President had been watching one late night with his dog Barney.