If you’re reading this, you are probably not one of the 300,000 Sudanese people butchered, raped, and killed in Darfur. You should celebrate. Then again, you’re also probably not Omar Bashir, the President of Sudan (and all around Ladies’ Man), whom the the International Criminal Court (ICC) recently indicted on charges of genocide.

Now, if you were Bashir, the obvious next step would be to take the country by storm, show off your charm, and change your image from “Ruthless Tyrant with a Silly Hat” to “Beloved Snuggle-puss.”

Bashir has embarked on a three-city tour of Darfur, bringing his message of personally motivated pandering to the most receptive of crowds – mandatory ones. At these rallies, he preens and dances for the crowd, swaying his hips and working up a sweat, much to their disinterest.

Said one attendee, who asked not to be named in fear of brutal reprisal against himself and his family, “His dancing was sub-par. His moves were mid-90s at best. He looked like my grandmother up there, all starving and too feeble to move gracefully.”

Agnes Miller of Alvin Ailey, the prestigious New York dance academy, weighed in: “His rhythm is abysmal, but on the bright side, he does have good turn-out.” The Village Voice was less kind, declaring Bashir’s performance “akin to skinning a live goat with your bare hands. Or, you know, living in Darfur.”

While the sudden tour may sway some public opinion, possibly on the North Pole, it is highly unlikely an arrest warrant will actually be issued for Bashir. According to undisclosed sources in the Hague, the UN is still looking to call off the witch-hunt in the interest of peace and, in the words of a UN official, “cut the guy some slack.”

“The guy’s been under a lot of pressure lately. I mean, maybe if he’d reached that big ‘one million’ number, this would be a serious investigation,” said the UN official, who asked not to be named in exchange for a cold turkey sandwich. “Yes, he threatened to declare a jihad on the international peacekeepers and turn Darfur into a graveyard of blue helmets, but in the grand scheme of things, who hasn’t threatened the UN in such a demeaning way?”

Added the official, “Putin is constantly threatening to cut off our balls. He even does the little thrust-and-snip motion at meetings. It’s very disconcerting. Kind of like Jessie Jackson and Barack Obama, but Putin’s actually done it before. He keeps a jar of them on his desk.”