Metal Storm Limited, a multi-national defense technology company, has announced the first shipment of its computer-controlled weapon system, the Talon UGV, or unmanned ground vehicle, to the United States Naval Surface Warfare Center.

The 40mm electronic weapon system will deliver an astounding 1 million rounds per minute, and will include a number of impressive new features, accelerating the industry’s movement toward a more mechanized standard of fighting modern war.

“We’re extremely excited to be showing off the new Talon UGV,” says Metal Storm CEO Lee Finniear. “The public has been virtually crying out over some of this new stuff. Features like auto-focus, auto-kill, and our new baby, Freeze Frame, which uses a high-density lens from Canon to capture the targets hit by every single shot in a precise 15 megapixels.”

He downplayed criticisms of Talon’s recently released Auto-Fire component. “It looks good in tests, but we need a little work on identifying targets correctly. Apparently, some non-enemy-combatants wear turbans.”

The real selling point, however, is the Talon’s 1 million RPM, or rounds per minute. But, it’s important to remember that’s the rate, not the volume.

“We’ve found through significant amounts of government-funded research that at 30,000 rounds per minute, we still could identify our targets after impact,” gushes the happy CEO. “We simply found that frequently, the lives of our targets had time to flash before their eyes before death, and that simply was unacceptable. That’s why we’ve brought out the Insta-Kill Rate. Oh, yeah, Insta-Kill, that’s the nickname we gave it back at the Ranch.”

With international conflicts brewing in Afghanistan, Iraq, and Iran, the US military knew it needed the technological edge over its opponents. That’s why it invested in machines of war like the new Talon.

“Most of our opponents are using weaponry that dates back to the Cold War and occasionally the Stone Age, quite literally, when they throw rocks at us,” says Supreme Navy Commander Alexander Mihm III, “so it makes a huge difference for us to have such advanced weapons systems. Killing them just got easier.”

Metal Storm considers the Navy’s investment in unmanned vehicles to be a crucial step forward for America’s military.

“This is what’s wrong with America: we’re fighting our wars with actual living, breathing men, and it’s one of the major unreported problems with the War in Iraq,” laments Finniear. “Men are inherently soft and pretty tissuey. That’s not something we can fix with carbon-fiber body armor.”

“We don’t think of ourselves strictly as policy makers, but Metal Storm does believe that the military industrial complex is a necessary part of our country moving forward, especially with the coming robot wars.”

When asked for further details, Finniear declined to comment.