Originally Posted on The Huffington Post:

Friday was International Talk Like A Pirate Day, in case you hadn’t noticed. Everyone’s getting into the act, even Google, as they unveiled a “pirate slang” version of their home page. But no one, not even Google, could compete with the pirate-talk of Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson Jr.

In his press conference today addressing the bailouts of major financial institutions on Wall Street, Paulson donned his eye-patch, shouldered his sword, and doffed his best pirate cap:

“I am convinced that this bold approach will cost American families far less than the alternative – a continuing series of financial institution failures and frozen credit markets unable to fund economic expansion.” Arr.

“These illiquid assets are clogging up our financial system, and undermining the strength of our otherwise sound financial institutions. As a result, Americans’ personal savings are threatened, and the ability of consumers and businesses to borrow and finance spending, investment, and job creation has been disrupted.” Avast, me matey.

“We’re talking hundreds of billions.” What foul-smelling grog.

No offense, Mr. Paulson, but the $600 billion tab, according to estimates from the AP, you’re handing US taxpayers is official, state-sanctioned piracy. You’ve threatened us with your sword of economic catastrophe, taken our taxpayer treasure, and handed it to the same pirates and thieves that got us into this mess.

We have no recourse. We can’t say, “Hey, Mr. Government, would you mind spending those $600 billion on roads, safe bridges, green energy infrastructure, and education? No? Ah.” Well, we can, but it won’t amount to beans. We have been keelhauled by our own government, laying the risk-averse American public – those people who can’t afford to invest more than the $100,000 the FDIC insures – with all the responsibility of decades of capitalistic piracy.

So, please, spare us the pirate talk. My parrot could do better.

Obviously, these are incredibly sophisticated economic problems. But that doesn’t mean the Treasury’s solution isn’t criminally wrong. A friend recently compared the bailout to the myth of Daedalus. An inventor of great things, Daedalus built wax wings for him and his son, Icarus, to escape a prison island. Icarus, however, kept flying higher and higher, his ambition too great, and came so close to the sun that the wax melted and he plummeted to his death in the ocean. This myth is meant to teach us wisdom, common sense, and humility. But in the US Government’s 2008 sequel, Icarus doesn’t die; no, he falls but is caught a net and saved. Deus ex machina, we call it. Icarus learns no lesson, and neither does Daedalus.

Paulson is putting out the net for these falling financial institutions, saving them from their greed, and teaching them only that the government will not let them fail. So, Mr. Paulson, you are bailing out people who knew exactly what they were getting into, and many people who weren’t smart enough to know any better. Yes, millions of people are going to lose their homes, and will end up with horrible credit scores. They will suffer, oh yes, for years. But the people who knew better, the government is bailing them out.

For the money we are going to spend bailing out the investment and insurance industries, we probably could have paid for health insurance and higher education for everyone in this country. Imagine that: we’ve got socialized banking, courtesy of cutthroat, free-market capitalism, but we still can’t afford socialized medicine.

Blame Bush, blame Clinton, blame Paulson, blame Greenspan, blame Bernanke, blame those who didn’t read the fine print on their loans, blame those who took advantage of a progressively dumber population; none of these will shoulder the true responsibility. They’ll all be dead and gone by the time we finish paying for the sins of these pirates. So yo, ho, ho, and hand me that bottle of rum. We’re going under, friends.