FADE IN:

BAM! THE LOGO FOR “EXTREME MAKEOVER” APPEARS ON SCREEN, THEN THE SUBTITLE: “RENDITION EDITION”

EXT. HOUSE – DAY

Our host, Shifty McFly, 30s, stylish, clearly gaying it up for the camera, stands in front of: A REGULAR HOUSE. White picket fence. Lawn. Windows. Everything he says is happy, and super excited!

SHIFTY MCFLY
And welcome back, everyone. Tonight on Extreme Makeover: Rendition Edition, we’re in an ordinary Muslim neighborhood, where we’re going to make the dreams come true for one great Muslim family! By the time we’re done, they’re going to have the pimpest, flyest, most-extreme torture chamber for rendered American captives in the whole Middle East! Now, let’s meet our family!

CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER

Shifty McFly bursts through the front door, and LIKE TOTALLY surprises the Family, made up of AHMED the father, 40s, SAHID the clearly gay son, 20s, the DAUGHTER, 20s, who doesn’t get a name, and the MOTHER in a burka who hides in a corner.
Shifty HUGS each and every one of them really enthusiastically.

SHIFTY MCFLY (V.O.)
As we all know, Muslim extremists are a great moral threat to American national security but they’re totally cool with torturing people, so let’s meet our lucky family!
Shifty’s assistant ALEX, 20s, Hollywood actor-type, distributes a thin booklet to all the family.

ALEX
Hi, I’m Alex, and these are your Department of Defense-approved Guidelines for Torture.

Ahmed flips through his. All the pages are blank.

AHMED
Sweet.

Shifty speaks with the Daughter.

SHIFTY MCFLY
Now, I don’t have a complex understanding of the enemy, so I’m gonna assume you want to kill the Infidel American because you’re Muslim.
The daughter shakes her head. Mortified. Passionately:

DAUGHTER
No, no, that’s all wrong. No where in the Koran does it encourage the violence perpetuated…

Shifty cuts her off and moves past down the hall.

SHIFTY MCFLY
That’s hilarious! She’s gonna be a comedian someday, just like Janeane Garofalo… HEY!

He waves at the MOTHER, who shrieks and runs away.

SHIFTY MCFLY
Cute. She doesn’t have civil rights. And she’s not gonna get ‘em. We need oil. Hahahaha!

CUT TO:

INT. BASEMENT – MOMENTS LATER

The camera goes down some stairs into a basement.

SHIFTY MCFLY (V.O.)
Now, let’s check out their potential torture chamber.

Ahmed and Shifty look around. The place is bright, airy, pleasant even. They inspect the bench and tub where prisoners will be waterboarded.

SHIFTY MCFLY
This is pathetic, dude.

AHMED
I know. Very, very sad. We just don’t have the money to keep our torture chamber up to par.

A tear comes to Ahmed’s eyes. He and Shifty embrace. A warm moment.

SHIFTY MCFLY
Don’t worry, big fella. We’re gonna make it right.

Shifty runs around the room, pointing and gesticulating.

SHIFTY MCFLY
We’re gonna make this place sing… It’s gonna be incredible. First you need some dank and darkness. We’ll get some iron hooks on the walls, bar up the windows, put the Iron Maiden in this corner, the rack in here, the boiling oil over here. Ever heard of Chinese water torture? It’s awesome. We’ll even decorate with a few bamboo plants here are there.

AHMED
Bamboo?

SHIFTY MCFLY
Yeah! Bamboo’s great. It grows so fast that you can tie someone up in a chair and have the bamboo plant actually grow right through them! It’s awesome and it’ll totally give the place some color.

CUT TO:

EXT. HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Shifty runs out the door, enthusing.

SHIFTY MCFLY
Okay. We’ve got our workers here to come help… Say hello to our audience back home!
He confronts the LABORERS. They are clearly Mexican day laborers and illegal immigrants. They cover their faces from the camera.

IMMIGRANT WORKERS
No, no, no quiero…

SHIFTY MCFLY
Hey, isn’t it great? These guys are everywhere! Is there a Home Depot Tehran or something?

The workers shrug.

IMMIGRANT WORKERS
Que?

CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE – LATER

Shifty moves down the hallway and speaks to the camera.

SHIFTY MCFLY
While certain international treaties prevent me from revealing our exact location, we can give you a hint: there are no gay people here!

A hallway door opens, and Sahid is making out with Alex. Shifty doesn’t even flinch.

SHIFTY MCFLY
They’re just fasting. For man meat.

ALEX
Aren’t we in Iran?

SHIFTY MCFLY
My lips are sealed. Unlike that guy’s. Oh yeah.

SAHID
But I like man meat.

SHIFTY MCFLY
(matter of fact)
No, you don’t. You don’t exist in this country. You’re like dragons.

CUT TO:
EXT. HOUSE – LATER

Shifty addresses the camera with the family behind him.

SHIFTY MCFLY
Now don’t go anywhere! We’re gonna be right back with Extreme Makeover: Rendition Edition! We’re gonna see a total makeover of this torture pit and it’s gonna be totally rockin’!

A LOGO SLAMS ONSCREEN for Extreme Makeover: Rendition Edition appears on screen!

FADE TO BLACK.