“I am convinced that unless America changes course, we will become the France of the 21st century – still a great nation, but no longer the leader of the world, no longer the superpower. And to me, that is unthinkable.”
– Mitt Romney, at the CPAC Convention, where he withdrew from the Republican Presidential Primary.

You, Mitt Romney, clearly haven’t eaten Brie with Honey enough. It’s amazing.

“What is it about American culture that has led us to become the most powerful nation in the history of the world? We believe in hard work and education. We love opportunity: almost all of us are immigrants or descendants of immigrants who came here for opportunity – opportunity is in our DNA. Americans love God, and those who don’t have faith, typically believe in something greater than themselves – a ‘Purpose Driven Life.’ And we sacrifice everything we have, even our lives, for our families, our freedoms and our country.”

Yes, I agree with you. I’m glad you express such an admiration for immigrants – a good change from your campaign rhetoric. Although I am a little confused: we sacrifice everything we have, including our freedoms and our country? That kinda makes us into traitors, correct?

“The threat to our culture comes from within. The 1960′s welfare programs created a culture of poverty. Some think we won that battle when we reformed welfare, but the liberals haven’t given up.”

Good thing we were so well off before the 1960s… You dick.

“The attack on faith and religion is no less relentless. And tolerance for pornography – even celebration of it – and sexual promiscuity…”

Stay out of my bedroom, Mitt. If you want to know what’s going on in there (and judge me for it), you’re the perv, not me. And nobody’s attacking your faith and religion. We just don’t understand it so we think it’s a cult and we want to kill you.

“Such a family is the ideal for the future of the child and for the strength of a nation. I wonder how it is that unelected judges, like some in my state of Massachusetts, are so unaware of this reality, so oblivious to the millennia of recorded history.”

Judges study for years and years at law school, and then tend to work for years and years to understand the intricacies of the law. They are clearly poorly educated and misinformed. You, on the other hand, made a fortune from a consulting firm that helped Brookstone and Domino’s Pizza make a profit.

“If we do not change course, Asia or China will pass us by as the economic superpower, just as we passed England and France during the last century.”

Asia or China? Yes, those two sovereign nations. And they’re working together, too, for devious ends.

“And our economy is also burdened by the inexorable ramping of government spending.”

Wow, I do agree with you, Mitt. Strange. Oh, you’re a fiscal conservative. Great. I’ll vote for you.

“These Jihadists will battle any form of democracy. To them, democracy is blasphemous for it says that citizens, not God shape the law.”

So God doesn’t shape the law? Why are you against abortion and gay marriage, then?

“Soon, the face of liberalism in America will have a new name. Whether it is Barack or Hillary, the result would be the same if they were to win the Presidency. The opponents of American culture would push the throttle, devising new justifications for judges to depart from the Constitution.”

Damn it, this is going to get ugly quick. Yes, liberals hate American culture. Fuck you, Mitt, and the horse you rode in on.

“And Barack and Hillary have made their intentions clear regarding Iraq and the war on terror. They would retreat and declare defeat. And the consequence of that would be devastating. It would mean attacks on America, launched from safe havens that make Afghanistan under the Taliban look like child’s play. About this, I have no doubt.”
Fuck you, Mitt. Yes, Democrats will declare defeat. Yes, if the Democrats win, the terrorists will attack. And it will be worse than 9/11 too. Fuck you.

“If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror.”

I know you’re a fucking idiot, but equating a withdrawal from Iraq in 18 months to declaring surrender is about as dumb as it gets. And yes, Obama and Clinton are aiding the enemy. Fuck you, Mitt.

“It is the common task of each generation – and the burden of liberty – to preserve this country, expand its freedoms and renew its spirit so that its noble past is prologue to its glorious future.”

You said earlier we have to sacrifice our freedoms, not expand them, and we have to sacrifice our country. You’re a fucking idiot. I hate you, Mitt Romney.

“Thank you, and God bless America.”

You’re goddamn right. Now, get the fuck off the stage and disappear back into obscurity.