A hero is dead. Put the flags at half-mast. During his time on the national stage, he surprised us by coming out of nowhere to win by a huge margin; he earned our respect with his grace and style; and he made us believe when he ran again. Then, he made us face tragedy when he fell; and when he could not go on any more, his struggle made us all stronger. Thank you, Barbaro. Our nations mourns.

Put down today by euthanasia, the horse that captured the country’s spirit and imagination has gone on to greener pastures. His six-and-a-half length victory at the Kentucky Derby lives vividly on in our minds, as does the images of his freak accident in the opening moments of the Preakness.

Over the past nine painful months, Barbaro has struggled to overcome the shattered right hind leg that would have killed a normal horse. Many complications arose, with the worst being when he developed a deep hoof abscess in that same leg. Unfortunately, Barbaro’s HMO, Kaiser Permanente, did not and still does not cover deep foot abscesses, casting the spotlight on a number of pressing medical issues facing this country.

From the beginning, Barbaro’s owners Gretchen and Roy Jackson spoke out in favor of socialized medical coverage for all privately-owned racing horses. This would help share the burden across all of society of keeping a prize animal like Barbaro in the luxury life to which he had become accustomed. The argument goes, as many bandwagon politicians put it, that everyone benefits from healthy and happy horses running in daily races for major gambling syndicates. If everyone benefits from the healthy horses, then why shouldn’t everyone help pay for it?

With Barbaro making little progress over the last few months, a second hot-button issue came to the nation’s attention: legalized euthanasia. With the country divided on the issue, Barbaro’s owners argued that he was in pain and it was unlikely for that pain to go away. He might survive the deep hoof abscess but the rest of his life would be miserable. Barbaro’s own thoughts on the issue were unknown, but when members of Congress discovered the Jacksons’ plan to put Barbaro down, they organized a candlelight vigil at the capitol. Congress even considered intervening in an official capacity.

While a number of protestors gathered outside the medical facility, Alex Solis, a jockey, probably said it best, expressing the nation’s deep frustration and sorrow: “It is very sad because he fought so hard for his life for so long… I’m sure a lot of people had tried to do the best for this horse, but sometimes they’re going to be in such pain. It’s unfortunate.”

Yet, even with Barbaro’s passing, the issues raised by his life will not go away. Beyond the medical issues facing this country, we must also come to grips with the fact that the media has finally shown its hand. There is no liberal or conservative bias; no, it is the inveterate gamblers and ten-year old girls who are in control, both groups desperate for the latest ounce of information about their favorite pony.

For evidence of this, look no further than network television. Since the Preakness, Fox Broadcasting has been developing a reality show based on Barbaro’s prolonged recovery. Instead, with the 4-year old colt’s death, that footage will be repurposed and worked into the sweeps episodes for House, MD.

In other news, a suicide bomb went off in Israel, killing three; Ari Fleischer contradicted I. Lewis Libby Jr. in the Valerie Plame Case; and Iran announced its plans for deeper economic and political involvement in Iraq.

In his State of the Union speech on Tuesday night, President Bush spoke of four people he believes are prime examples of what a true American patriot looks like. He spoke glowingly of former NBA star Dikembe Mutombo; Julie Aigner-Clark, founder of Baby Einstein; Weslie Autrey, the recent hero of the New York subway system; and, of course, a decorated marine, Tommy Rieman. Each of these people exhibited qualities the President found to be truly exemplary. A number of people, however, were cut from the original draft, for a variety reasons.

Carl Ristau lived a simple life as a carpenter in Freedom, Massachusetts, for the last forty years. But his true passion is painting. He has heroically been painting American Flags on canvasses he bought at a local mom-and-pop art store for over three decades now. He paints American flags and only American flags. He paints them in full bloom, with the wind billowing through the flag, and also hanging still, on the stillest American day. Occasionally, he will also paint an eagle standing on top of the flagpole. Or he has, once in a blue moon, stretched his artistic legs and painted Mount Rushmore in the background behind the flag. During the summer, he usually manages to knock out one or two baseball-themed flag paintings and at least one commemorating Independence Day, with fireworks exploding all around the flag. Additionally, he has painted a special American flag painting for every sitting President for the last twenty-five years, artfully mingling a semi-transparent President over the traditional flag. When President Bush finally received his in the mail this last year, the President called up Carl and asked him to come down to the White House for a beer and an afternoon chat. He liked chatting with the guy. Carl was sensible, smart, and patriotic, and the President liked what he was doing for this country. Unfortunately, during a routine background check, it turned out that Carl had not been paying taxes on all the paintings he sold. Worse yet, once the Justice Department got wind of the case, they charged him with copyright infringement. Apparently, Carl had been using the image of the American flag, a protected copyrighted image, for profit and that was against the law. Carl was recently sentenced to 42 years in jail for tax evasion and copyright infringement. Bush, however, kept the painting and sent Carl ten dollars as payment.

John G. Butterworth served two tours of duty in Iraq. He fought alongside the 101st Airborne Division in its initial strikes on Baghdad. In his second tour of duty, Butterworth walked the streets of the city, patrolling as a member of Task Force Baghdad. After returning to the United States, Butterworth started a small business in his hometown of Peoria, Illinois, selling individual body armor to soldiers overseas. The armor was designed and built by Butterworth, constructed out of raw materials that he found at his local Home Depot. Soldiers in Iraq spread the word using blogs and internal newsletters and eventually Butterworth had more sales than he could handle. He rented a small warehouse, where he hired a number of manual laborers he also found at Home Depot. He put them to work building the body armor and raised production by 4000%. By running his assembly line 24 hours a day with the help of these laborers, Butterworth managed to bring production up to demand. By the summer of 2006, Butterworth’s Armor For Freedom Inc. was worth over $5 million and was providing body armor for soldiers in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Chechnya. The company came to President Bush’s attention when a member of the State Department compiled a report on the body armor situation in Iraq. The President called up Butterworth personally and thanked him both for his service as a soldier and for stimulating the economy. After the President instructed his speechwriters to include Butterworth in the State of the Union, it was discovered that PBS was planning on airing a television program on the “home-brew” options soldiers turned to for armor while in the field. The program, however, insinuated that this made the State Department, the military, and the President himself look bad, implying that the United States, in all its wealth, could not armor its own soldiers. Butterworth was promptly dropped from the speech and charges of illegal interstate commerce have been brought up against him.

Hiro Nakamura came to the nation’s attention in late 2006, emerging as a classic example of an American hero with a number of staggering feats under his belt. While on the road in the Midwest, Nakamura came upon a major car crash. With his wits about him, Nakamura managed to pull DL Hawkins, DL’s son Micah, and another passenger to safety, right before the cars exploded in a ball of fire. While other heroic acts have been noted, the President was most impressed by Nakamura’s ability to slow time to a halt and teleport himself around the world. While initially including Nakamura in his speech, the President chose to cut this particular American hero when it was brought to his attention that Hiro Nakamura was actually Japanese and, additionally, a fictional character on a television show the President had been watching one late night with his dog Barney.

The crowd is hush.

On one side of the House sits the Democrats, their black-gloved fists held high in the air and their heads down in protest. Many even sport bandanas blindfolding them, driving their protest home for the fools and idiots watching on CNN and CNBC. Two Democrats whisper as they get into a slapping match, both cowering in fear as Senator Ted Kennedy barrels into them, knocking them both to the floor. Senator John Kerry sits among the other Democrats, reading a Latin instruction book and drinking Vermouth.

On the other side, a few dozen Republicans shoulder their M-16s, flip them, and present. The weapons glisten as NRA Chairman Charleston Heston inspects the Junior Senators in the back, correcting posture and whispering threats that would kill lesser men. In one corner, the glass coffin holding the preserved corpse of Orrin Hatch stands. In another, a shadowy man in a large hat, Jack Abramoff, lights a cigarette. He puts down his suitcase, right next to the waiting Senator John McCain. Abramoff and McCain share a nod.

Vice President Dick Cheney takes off his hunting cap, puts down his rifle, and stands at his podium. “Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.”

The doors open, and the mob crushes around it. The President’s security team clears the way. The President emerges, wearing his favorite fedora. He walks forward, along the aisle. Nobody can touch him.

Senator Hillary Clinton bumps fists with Senator Barrack Obama and turn away from the podium, their hands grasped together in the air. McCain and Senator Joe Lieberman stand and salute the man as he passes.

President George W Bush smiles, generously, taking off the hat. He stands at the podium, his features flush and healthy, beaming. His face conceals all the secrets we want to know, but he gives away nothing. He begins:

“My fellow Americans. Tonight, I address you with a heavy heart. Since our invasion of Iraq and subsequent planning went so well, I have come here to announce that American soldiers are at this minute beginning a full-forced invasion of Iran. The kingdom of Iran has for too long stood for oppression and hatred against America. Today, that ends. They’re going down.”

The Republicans let loose a hail of gunfire into the air. The smoke clears as the tiny particles fall from above, the groans of a weak and ancient ceiling. Kennedy flips off the President, who ignores the whole ruckus. Kerry looks up from his studying, stuttering through “Give… peace… a chance…” He falls asleep, bored by his own excessive chatter.

Bush continues. “But we’ve got to think beyond Iran. Now that we have the Iraqi oilfields safely under our control, we can pump a little more money into this country.” A few loud boos echo from the back of the House. “No, I hear you,” says the Master, reassuringly. “I’m giving that money back to this country. I’m eliminating taxes entirely. No more taxes, ever!”

The House erupts. “Never!” “Finally!” “Wait, how do I pay for my golf trips?”

“Veto this!” Out of nowhere, Representative Nancy Pelosi grabs Cheney’s gavel and slams it down on the President’s head.

“Oh, doh,” he retorts, eloquently. His eyes go up into the back of his head, and he collapses onto the floor.

A hail of gunfire from the Junior Republicans fly past Pelosi as she dives to the Congress floor, hoping for protection. The coward Democrats all run from their leader, and a few of their heads fall off as they squawk like chickens.

Suddenly, flames leap from the giant flag hanging behind the fallen President. At its base, John Edwards laughs maniacally as he holds up a lighter. Cheney grabs his shotgun, utters a few choice words for mixed company, and shoots Edwards twice in the chest. Seeing this, Kerry raises his hand, as if to say something, but nothing comes out.

The flames on the flag grow higher as the Junior Republicans begin to fire into the ceiling again, pouncing on top of their Democratic rivals and rubbing their faces into the floor.

A giant crack is heard. The burning flag falls to the ground, knocking Cheney on the head. The main door bursts open… The Swiss military marches in, with halberds and full armor.

The Swiss Captain steps forward and stabs the fleeing Abramoff through the stomach with a sword. “I claim this land, in the name of the glorious Republic of Switzerland!”

A large piece of the ceiling falls to the ground, right next to the ailing Abramoff. The sun pierces through, hitting the former lobbyist. He turns to dust in the Swiss Captain’s arms.

The entire ceiling falls on Congress, the Senate, the Representatives, the President, and the Swiss, burying them for all time and eternity.

I wake up. What a good dream.

Yesterday, news broke around the world that China had incinerated one of its commercial satellites with a medium range missile at an altitude no higher than 600 miles off the surface of the earth. While one would think this is something the US government should be concerned with, in actuality it was Aviation Week and Space Technology Magazine that broke the story. Apparently, someone’s been beta-testing Google Space.

Formal complaints were quickly lobbed forth from the most popular political bureaucracies around the globe. All the big ones checked in – the US, Britain, Japan, South Korea… No word from Iran yet but their press secretary has me on hold. The US complaint was particularly devastating for its argument that such a test could be construed as “inconsistent” with the spirit of cooperation inherent to the space arena. Despite that fiery rhetoric, it’s at least better than “we couldn’t, so you shouldn’t.”

When asked for comment on the test, the Chinese government declined.

Both the US and the USSR had previously experimented with such space defense systems in the 1980s. Their respective tests failed because too much debris was left behind in the atmosphere from the destroyed satellite. Of course, did they ever try attaching a nuclear warhead to one of these test missiles? Here in the US, we prefer not to fail at things, especially blowing up things. That’s something we’ve got down. It’s actually a little embarrassing how good we are. Someone get President Bush on the phone.

The Bush administration recently announced that it wants to bring the same freedom to the stars that it brought to the skies. The worry, however, is that this recent test indicates a move by the Chinese military to suppress such freedom. The world has noticed a concerted effort on the part of the Chinese to expand its military capabilities since 1999. What Bush may not have realized, and this could be because he doesn’t have Karl Rove at his side these days, is that the militarization of space means funding bills that cannot be defeated in congress and cannot be vetoed. Plus, we slip in a few riders about additional tanks, armor for the soldiers, and reinstituting the draft.

When asked for comment on the military buildup, the Chinese government declined.

Anonymous sources in US intelligence were happy to talk, indicating that the Chinese space technology is still a decade behind the most advanced in the world, which is of course a decade behind the people who put a spacecraft on the moon. Tellingly, the Chinese used a “terminally guided maneuverable missile,” which at this point is old hat, since most of our missiles no longer have that messy terminal quality about them. We call it “stockpiling.”

The major concern of US citizens is the prospect of interrupted service in a variety of sectors that rely on satellites, such as ATMs, cellular phones, and satellite television. These problems, while worrying at first glance, are minor upon reflection: most of us are so in debt we avoid the ATM as a rule, and I figure the majority of us would hardly notice the difference in our cellphone’s reception. Still, we do have to be careful; a national crisis could ensue if we were unable to watch and vote for the next American Idol.

When asked for comment on this danger, satellite providers declined but referred questions to their PR department, the Pentagon.